I had low grade anxiety that hung in the inner parts of me. I knew in my knower, my intuitive self, I was off. I am an expert in my field, I hold higher level degrees, I am pretty well halfway done with my journey here in life school. Yet, here I am again; my desire to know the outcome, better yet, control the outcome has kicked off and had me in a hypervigilant state, i.e. anxiety.
I worked with this on my own for a while, struggling in my self-dialogue of being enough, being in the moment, and clinging with a death grip to knowing what is mine won’t pass me by, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. I could not think my way through, surrender enough. I literally had this spiritual lesson, like gum on my shoe in the middle of summer, that I was being forced to look at differently. So, I do what I know to do, I get still and quiet and ask the God of my understanding to show me what I need to see, to heal.
And….
I wait….
Knowing the answer will be revealed and I live with the haze of anxiousness for a few months until I am really clear in my knower.
Here is what happened. I kept remembering meeting this powerhouse of a woman at a Terry Real training I was at in New York. She had this strength about her, having been a native myself, she was the ‘don’t mess with me’ kind of Texas woman that you learn as a kid not to push too far.
She was elegant in her stature and she stood up and announced herself to the room and told us what she was trained in. It was impressive, she’d been a therapist long enough to be in the rat-pack circle of therapists I get training from. What my brain really didn’t let go of and was bringing back to me in my asking and waiting prayer was that she mentioned Brainspotting.
I heard it in my core of curiosity and then let it go. “Hmmmm, wonder what that is, I’ll have to ask siri, now what time is lunch?” I never asked siri. Fast forward two years later, I sent her an email, and she shot right back: “You come here for the weekend, stay with me… I feed you.” It was if my momma had just tucked me into bed on a quiet rainy night.
Once we connected on the phone to get clear on dates and details, I was set to go have my brainspotting experience. We arranged to deep dive into my triggered state a few weeks later and she told me if I wanted to research brainspotting and had questions to give her a call. Well, I’ve spent most of my life being a trial by fire kind of girl; I wanted to go in blind and just have the experience so I didn’t look it up. We spent some time going over my experiences as a kid, my past trauma work, and after a while, she said, in her bright, strong Texas accent which is soothing and comforting, “Alright darling, let’s do some brainspotting on a couple of things we have been talking about.”
She sat me in a chair, put a cushy foot stool under my feet, a cushy pillow at the back of my neck, covered me in a blanket, and gave me headphones to put on my ears. The music was bouncing lightly between my left and right ear. She then asked me to focus on several spots and to find the one that felt the most sensation around an event when I was 8 years old.
I began to focus on the one spot that my body cued me to focus on because it made my stomach ache. She told me to go with that and follow where my brain wanted to go. The spot began to get a light around it, an aura in my language, and as I stayed with the event and gazed into my targeted spot, the room began to get milky. I know now that this is the subcortex taking over, the space in your brain that holds emotions and impulses.
The room became so milky that I could no longer see her and my body began to tingle in my hands and feet. I began to have images like a movie flash through my awareness and my right eye began to tear profusely. My left eye did not drop one tear. The only real thoughts I was having was, “This is cool, hmmmm, interesting,” or, “I kind of feel like I’ve entered another dimension.” Other than that, I was not really having much thought… I was processing. The experience came in waves. It was relaxing and felt good.
When we finished, momma Charlie handed me a bottle of water and told me to have a sip. The water tasted like she had some magic natural glacier spring and convinced Ozarka to bottle it for her.
At this point, I was convinced she had super powers. She assured me it was my brain that had the super power.
I was tired on my way home; hit-by-a-bus kind of tired. It took a few days for me to notice but the anxiety is gone. That’s not to say I don’t get anxious, but it’s an appropriate response to the event.
I ran to get trained as a certified brainspotting practitioner. As a clinician and fellow-traveler, I know there are many layers to our recovering the way we are meant to live authentically free, and to maintain our own equilibrium with all the unknowns in the world; Brainspotting quickly got me back to that space. If you want to try a session, click here.
Here’s what others have said:
“’I saw my loved one that died. She was in a meadow while brainspotting and we got to hold hands…”- 11 years old.
“I connected my shoulder pain to my lack of self-confidence, but oddly my IBS symptoms minimized during the session” –50 years old
“I went straight back to the playground where no one wanted to play with me and then like a reel of film every time I felt like the weird kid flashed before me” –22 years old
“And without meaning to, I was led to this room when I was 8; the one I never had feelings about. I lay in that bed, and I was me and also little me. For the first time, I could feel how sad and lonely it was.” -40 years old
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Lorri Lancashire, provides services for clients wanting help dealing with recovery work surrounding relationships, eating disorders, addiction therapy, couples counseling, anxiety and depression counseling, and family counseling. Lorri’s therapy office is located on the Dallas North Tollway off of Lovers Lane in Dallas, Texas. She is available for phone session when travel is limited.